First let me admit that budget time causes me great angst, not only because of the inevitability of paying more money for an ever diminishing quality of services, but perhaps worse, the unending assault on my hope that rational thought and argument still have a place in civic discourse.  Instead I hear nothing but trite memes, rehashed year after year, decade after decade, with nothing to offer the public debate but a distraction — like a bright shiny coin or a jangle of keys — to a bright eyed toddler.  Here’s a breakdown of how the illusionists  keep your toddler amused decade after decade with a list of their favored tricks:

The Sixth Sense: For this trick, the illusionist claims to see excessive spending that greatly surpasses the budget shortfall. The illusionist assures you that he and only he knows and while he’d love to show you, he can’t as it breaks the illusionist code of honor.  But just because you can’t see it, be assured that he can. Meanwhile, be prepared for a ceaseless barrage of  ”I see expenses to cut”.

The Blue Moon on a Fifth Friday of February: For this trick, the illusionist claims unsurpassed levels of waste and spending in the budget. While he’d love to itemize and point out the specific expenses, he can only do so on a Blue Moon on the 5th Friday of February. Meanwhile, take their word for it and hope for that magical February when you can see how the trick works.

The Disappearing Elephant: For this trick, the illusionist comes on stage with a leashed elephant donning a cute hat perched atop its head .  The illusionist carefully removes the elephant’s hat and indeed does make it disappear. An impressive trick!. Where it gets strange is the illusionist’s subsequent claim that making the hat disappear means that the elephant has also disappeared. When the audience politely points out that they can still see the elephant, in its entirety admittedly sans the hat, the illusionist storms off stage convinced that the elephant has wholly disappeared and the audience is unworthy of his talents.

The Baby and the Porcupine: While a bit cruel, it is an effective trick nonetheless. The illusionist,  usually working at a children’s party, calls upon parents with a newborn or small toddler. Assuring them no harm will come from the trick, he subsequently makes the baby disappear only finding himself unable to conjure the baby back. The illusion ends when the parents become so distraught at the loss of their child that the illusionist hastily conjures a new spell which happily reappears the child but sadly,  a rabid porcupine as well. The parents immediate delight at the return of their child soon fades once they learn they must now embrace and house the rabid porcupine too.

The Flying Pig: Here the illusionist appears onstage with a pig. The audience gasps at the sight as the pig looks quite ill and emaciated. Fear not says the illusionist as this pig is in the utmost of health and in fact, specially trained over many, many years to fly culminating in tonight’s debut performance. Yes, this pig will fly for the first time tonight the illusionist assures the anxious crowd. The pig ascends the platform (don’t ask how) high above the stage and after a dramatic pause, leaps off the platform only to land in a loud thud upon the stage.  Visibly distraught, the illusionist stammers to explain that the pig should fly: it doesn’t weigh nearly as much as when he got it a few years ago. The illusionist assures himself   shaving off a few more pounds just might do the trick…

The Oz: Always a crowd favorite as it has great fanfare and props, the Oz offers no magic or illusions at all; just the expectation of great magic and illusion promised by a seemingly endless cast of MCs. (Just don’t look behind the curtain)